3:00 - Girl texts: "Good luck with the non-smoking. I love you! <3"
3:01 - I reply: "Its 3 in the damn morning! Time zones!!!!"
3:01 - Girl texts: "Remember that when you wake up and act like a pussy because you arent smoking."
3:02 - I throw my cell phone across the room.
5:15 - Wake from disturbing homo-erotic dream involving Willem Dafoe and clown.
7:00 - Wake up to an odd noise with short panicked breaths. My cell phone is skittering along the floor on "vibrate". Must be my alarm. I get up.
7:04 - I notice my left hand is numb and stiff. I wiggle my fingers, thinking I slept funny.
7:05 - Nekkid. I notice a Sharpie drawing of a penis on my left shoulder. I'm going to guess the patch made my hand numb.
7:06 - I pull off the patch. It hurts worse than removing a Band-Aid. Now I understand why the box said "hairless". I think about texting the girl for sympathy, but decide against it. Pussy, indeed.
7:10 - Shave a small spot on my rib cage for the patch.
7:30 - I hurt. I want a cigarette. I decide the girl is right. I draw a vagina on the patch with a Sharpie and affix it to my ribs. I am a pussy.
7:32 - Notice a big red spot on my left shoulder from the patch. Wonder how long it will be there.
7:34 - I look at the nicotine transdermal system patch box, hoping that the redness from these patches lasts around two weeks so I can make a cool smiley face on my back. Under side effects, it reads: "may cause vivid dreams" and I remember my dream of Willem Dafoe throat fucking a hapless clown.
7:35 - Doing the math trying to determine how many packs of cigarettes equal one hour of psychiatric therapy and how many hours of therapy will be needed to get over the Willem Dafoe/clown dream.
8:36 - I want a cigarette.
8:52 - I want a cigarette.
10:01 - Girl texts: "Good morning. Hows day 2 going?"
10:01 - I reply: "Willem Dafoe clown sex dreams!!!"
10:03 - Girl texts: "Get some help"
10:03 - Girl texts: "I'll be the clown! >:)"
10:04 - Wonder if my dick will ever work again.
11:20 - Race to the bathroom. Something evil and ungodly fires out of my ass for 15 minutes. I think I am going to pass out.
11:35 - Look at the contents of toilet bowl and am convinced I am dying. Great, I quit smoking only to die of my guts falling out of my ass.
11:38 - I am worried. I take picture of toilet bowl contents with my cell phone and MMS it to everyone in my address book under the subject: Is There Something Wrong With This?
11:40 - Friend 1 replies: "Sending pictures of your shit? Yes, there is something wrong with that."
11:41 - Friend 2 replies with a picture of his dick.
11:43 - Girl replies: "I never want to see you again!"
12:11 - I want a cigarette.
12:43 - I want a cigarette.
1:08 - Cleaning up the house. Notice roommate left a half a pack of cigarettes. Put one in my mouth.
1:09 - Look in the mirror and think "James Dean"... he looked cool with a cigarette in his mouth, and so do I. Smoking is cool.
1:10 - Looking for a lighter.
1:12 - Considering lighting the cigarette with the toaster.
1:13 - Girl texts: "What are you doing?"
1:14 - I reply: "Nothing" and throw the cigarette away.
2:02 - Stinky is doing the "I have to poop" dance. I take the commie bitch outside.
2:04 - She poops.
2:05 - Stinky is staring at a squirrel in the yard. The squirrel is not running. Stinky is NOT barking, which is weird because Stinky barks at everything, even leaves. Then I notice the squirrel has a stray cigarette butt in its tiny hands. The squirrel and dog are conspiring against me! I knew Stinky was evil!
2:07 - Bring Stinky inside and decide to interrogate her again. This time, I figure, I will have success because she is already on a choker and leash. Stinky surprises me with a pre-emptive shock and awe strike, peeing on my sock. I drop the leash and Stinky cowers to the laundry room.
2:15 - I have washed my foot, changed my socks, and cleaned up the pee from the carpet. Stinky is no where to be found.
4:26 - I want a cigarette.
5:02 - I want a cigarette.
5:15 - I walk outside and shake my fist at God and curse Him. It doesn't help.
5:17 - My gay neighbor, Kris, is staring out the window at me. I am yelling at the squirrel. This does not make me feel sane.
5:23 - Curled up in a fetal position on the couch sucking my thumb. I want a cigarette. Stinky has emerged from hiding and is licking my jeans. I WANT A CIGARETTE!!!!
6:40 - Roommate comes home and sees me still in a fetal position on the couch. He says, "Gay Kris said you were having a meltdown."
6:40 - I tell my roommate, "I WANT A FUCKING CIGARETTE!!!!"
6:40 - The roommate looks puzzled. He says, "throat fuck clown?"
6:41 - I jump up on the sofa like Tom Cruise and yell at him: "THE PATCH ONLY HELPS SO MUCH!!!! THIS SUCKS!!!"
6:41 - The roommate says, "Dude the dog and squirrel have not conspired to kill you." He punches me in the dick.
6:58 - I pick my sorry ass up off the floor and thank the roommate for the reality check.
7:30 - Spaghetti and shots of Patron for dinner. Shots of Patron for desert.
8:00 - We turn on the television. Roommate flips the channel to AMC. A Willem Dafoe double feature.
8:01 - Fetal position again. Crying.
Current Music: Hard Sun - Eddie Vedder